beanski

tft: grocery budget directly to garbage can

I've fallen into a trap I swore I wouldn't fall into: I cook three meals almost every night.

One for Cameron, one for Renee and one for us.

Cameron's is because he is Mr. Sensitive and I can't give him dairy or really anything at all without him flipping out and being awake all night trying to fart. I'm fine with making him something because he sleeps if I keep to what works and that sleep is worth anything to me.

I know it is a bad idea to make something special for Renee and I know that is one of the reasons why I'm a raging lunatic but I don't know what to do about it. She doesn't eat much of anything and what she will eat, I will not eat. Well, I would but then the 20 pounds I would have to lose would turn to 30 and Lord knows the 20 is going to be hard enough to lose.

When I find the energy to care enough to try to lose it.

But that day is not today and probably not tomorrow either.

I don't care.

I guarantee we throw away at least half of the food we buy each month and I am SICK OF IT.

Tell me, what do your kids eat? What sort of portions? Do you really starve them until they eat last night's broccoli? Or is that one of those things the hardasses say they do because it makes them feel powerful when in reality they are suckers just like me? Do you put a fruit, vegetable, protein, carb and dairy on every plate for every meal and do they ever eat it?

I obsess about balancing their meals and it is making me crazy. And poor. Because I throw it all away.

ribbit, ribbit, moo, moo

I may have mentioned this already (give me a break, I'm on serious pain medication) but my plan was for Renee and Cameron to go as Chicken and Beef for Halloween. It totally fits their personalities and represents what they like to eat and I got a good solid couple of hours of laughs out of the idea of it. But then Renee started hopping around saying Ribbit! Ribbit! asking to be a frog on Halloween and I had to remind myself that it is about HER and not about ME. So there you have it, Frog and Beef.

She wants today and tomorrow and every day to be Halloween. The SECOND she gets home from daycare she says "Can I have a piece of candy now? PLEASE?" I'm already tired of saying no over and over and over again. Damn cute ribbiting frog though, huh?
 
And oh my god, Cameron the Cow. HAHAHAHAH. You should have seen him crawl around in this costume. Ski and I both laughed for HOURS about it.

And one of them together. I bribed them with candy to sit there and let me take their picture and I still didn't get it quite right. 
 
No pictures of trick or treating (because I? Am a totally awesome mother) but here's one of carving pumpkins which she had ZERO interest in. Other than the flameless tealights that she played with for HOURS. Maybe next year...I seem to say that a lot :)

She did demand a Black Cat pumpkin and surprise, surprise, she got what she wanted.
 

We interrupt the cuteness to bring you some complaining

So I seem to have really done a number on my back. I'm totally helpless, can't even lift my children, can't change a fucking diaper. Heck, for all intensive purposes I can't even walk.

I feel pathetic every time I struggle to pry open that little bottle of habit forming painkillers. I count the pills wondering what's going to happen when they run out.

Will they give me more? Because what will I do if they don't?

I try to throw myself into online Christmas shopping, Christmas calendars, anything to make the time pass quickly by.

But I can't concentrate. All I can do is fret about the look on my little girl's face when she asks for me, when she wants me to hold her and all I can do is rub the top of her pretty little head and tell her I love her.

What is going to happen with work? Short term disability, what if it comes to that?

I can't even think about it. I can't. I want my life back. I want to hold my babies and to hug them without pain. I want to make my baby a cake for his very first birthday.

But I can't. All I can do is lay here and write blog posts on my tiny little iphone screen.

And count the minutes until I can pry that pill bottle open again.

twenty-eight months

She’s my snuggler, my girl, my sweet. She always wants Mama, will settle for Daddy and is getting better and better at branching out to a stranger here or there. I hurt my back this month and she was so sweet, telling me she “loves me SO MUCH” and insisting that she hurt her back too so that she can lay down next to me on the couch. 
 
She loved Halloween this year, so happy to have an excuse to demand candy. I have called her Mu Shu Chicken pretty much since she was born. Sometimes on my way home from work I’ll say things like “How was your day, Chicken?” without another thought about it. So after asking her at least 100 times what she wanted to be for Halloween and getting no answer I decided she was going as a chicken. And I’m not even kidding the very next day she decided she wanted to be a frog. I tried to put the chicken costume on her and she cried and cried and cried begging to be a frog. So I sent the chicken costume back and bought her a frog costume. What Renee wants, Renee gets. Just ask her. Numerous times this month she said "I'm the boss, Mommy."

We hired a babysitter for the first time this month and she was totally cool with it. I told her that Katie was going to play with her for a while and that we’d be back and she was all like “whatevs, dudes, have fun.” When we got home I scooped her up and hugged and kissed her and asked her if she had fun and she said she did. I almost died. She had fun with someone other than us, she’s really living on the edge. 
 
Her relationship with her brother is growing stronger. She’ll finally allow him to take a bath at the same time as her and she likes to push him in the swing and make him laugh. He’ll climb up next to her on her chair in the living room and they’ll both start giggling. Most of the time she’s swiping stuff off of him but once in a while she’ll give him something and say “Here you go, Cammon” and she smiles sweetly when we make a big deal about how good of a big sister she is. She wants us to believe she doesn’t like him but we know better.  
 
One day out of no where when I was putting her to bed this month she asked me to leave the overhead light on in her room. I don’t know where it come from but she is pretty adamant about it. I leave it on while she reads in bed and then I go up and turn it off after she’s been in bed for a half an hour or so. Very strange. She has also woken up screaming a few times this month and she doesn’t really seem awake when I get in there to soothe her, she just seems scared. I think she must be having bad dreams or is afraid of the dark. 
 
She had memorized quite a few of her books, reading them to us at night now before bed. She loves Cars, Trucks and Things that Go and giggles and sings a little “Goldbug, goldbug, where are you?” song when we’re looking for him. She’s a cheese ball and fake laughs when she’s trying to be funny to get a laugh out of us. The best part is that she knows when we are being sarcastic and is sarcastic back. 
 
She calls her stuffed animals her “friends” which totally kills me. We lost her favorite Mr. Tiger this month and Ski and I both moped around for two weeks feeling like there had been a death in the family. Every single morning and every single night she’d ask where he was and our hearts would break. Then we got a replacement thanks to Nena who made a special trip to the zoo for her and she was so happy to see him. She was like "Mr. Tiger, where have you BEEN?"
 
She’s starting to like girly things in general, INSISTS on wearing sparkly shoes that she calls “BEAUTIFUL” every where she goes. Once in a while now she’ll let me put a barrette in her hair but most of the time she still pulls them out right away. 

She’s shy and will only talk to us with a whisper when she’s in big groups of people. It makes both her dad and I laugh. Well, almost everything she does makes her dad and I laugh. I really can't imagine what we'll do for fun when she grows up and moves out. We're going to have to go back to watching comedies and sitcoms and they are not comparatively funny.
 

1: already not according to plan

I've been planning on doing NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) for a while. You know, where I try to come up with something entertaining to say for thirty days in a row? Yeah that one. I'd find you a link about it but that is too much work right now. I had a plan for today's post. And tomorrow's.

Then I went to pick up a laundry basket this morning and I felt a pop and the spreading of some seriously burning pain and my back is in SHAMBLES. I am TWENTY-NINE YEARS OLD and I can't walk. Why is this happening to me?

A trip to the ER where I cried every time I tried to move and a few Loritabs (is that how you spell it?) later and I'm still barely functioning. And coming up with something witty and entertaining is sort of outside of my very incoherent brain.

I reckon I'll have a few days to come up with something good though. Perfectly good vacation days that will be spent chewing painkillers in my bed trying to work up the courage and strength to take a shower. 

Have I mentioned I am TWENTY-NINE YEARS OLD? I can only say that for another couple of months and you bet your ass I'm going to say it a lot. People in their twenties should not hurt their backs.

Thanks Mom and Dad for bailing me out. You should have heard how hard I started crying the minute I heard my mom's voice. There is just something about needing your Mommy when you're hurt and I'm so lucky mine always comes running when I need her. So incredibly lucky. 

the arboretum

My new house is totally cramping my blogging/picture editing style. The computer used to be in the same room as the TV so I could chill with my hubby while he watched sports and I played on the computer. Now, I have to hang out all by myself in order to play on the computer and I feel like I never see him. So, now I read a book in the chair in the living room next to him while he watches sports. Totally quality time, huh? :) I haven't edited pictures for like a month and I'm too lazy to go back and do the old ones now. So, I'm starting fresh.

The trip the U of MN Arboretum on Saturday renewed my interest in pictures. The is just so much beauty in that place. I had only ever been there in the summer to see the gardens and that was incredible but boy, the fall colors were really something. And we were a week or two past prime, I can't imagine what it was like last weekend. Next year I vow to take my children there and bribe them with infinite amounts of candy to let me take their picture.

I was planning on keeping some of these pictures for Christmas presents and then decided I had to post them because they make me smile now and Christmas is too far away. So act surprised at Christmas, OK?

Yes, they are holding hands. The cuteness is off the charts. Renee wandered around all weekend going, "Where's Eyiot?"

For some reason this picture kills me. I think it is because Cameron is the first boy born into the Ski family that will carry on the Ski name. I know it's stupid and I know that Renee is just as important but it is just, well, I can't explain it. I think it's something about the look they are exchanging here tells me that they know something we don't.

The Goose, The Diva. When she saw me walk over with my camera, she POSED. I'm not kidding. My daughter scrunches up her nose and makes the annoying cheese face and Lucy gave me this look that was like "Go ahead, I already know I'm pretty."

Cameron and Aunt Jill, who was kind enough to lug around all twenty-five pounds of love for me so I could take some pictures.
He really liked the leaves. Oh to be a baby again. A cute (almost one-year-old) baby.
 
My beautiful little girl.

Last but not least, Nena and Grumpa with all of their grandchildren (so far) :) The yellow was really that color, I swear. Crazy.

There are more but I'll save those for CrackFacebook.

retail therapy: these kids are expensive

Ski has put a lockdown on my spending. JERK. Our money is going into (still) baby proofing (tell me, will my son ever run out of things to get into?), clothes for potty training (all those dresses I bought for Fall? Not the best idea I've ever had),1st Birthday Party madness and the beginnings of Christmas shopping.

I'm going to sneak in some fabric though. I painted half of the living room last week so I've been looking for fabrics to cover some barstools and make pillows out of. The paint is Saffron, sort of a goldish yellow. I'm torn between going with orange or red for the accent color. I really need something modern to downplay the traditional feel of the room. This is a big decision because whichever I go with will be the color of the walls in the dining room. Which do you like better? Red walls or Orange walls? I really would like to go with blue or something but all of our furniture is brown and other warm colors so my choices are fairly limited.

 OR
   
Cam is getting a train set for his birthday. I think this train set. He'll probably have no interest in it but I am DONE buying baby toys. I tried to talk Ski into buying one of those sweet Nilo tables but I was SHUT DOWN. You should have seen the look on his face when he saw the price tag. PRICELESS. I also want to punch whomever decided to dress this kid up in that stupid hat directly in the face. 

Cameron is also getting a fireplace gate for his birthday. He had the door open and was milliseconds away from hitting the ignite switch the other day. My plan was to just never turn it on when he was around but apparently he found a way around that. He'll just turn it on himself! FIGURES, we call him Captain Destructo for a reason. I suggested duct tape but Ski didn't go for it. I can think of at least seven thousand things I would rather buy with $189.00.

eleven months

My little Bubby Brewster is a month away from becoming a one year old. A ONE YEAR OLD. Those assholes at Baby Center are only 30 days away from sending me an email about a TODDLER. And they will be referring to my SON, my BABY, the littlest of the little people that live at my house. Can you even imagine?

He's walking technically, as in, he CAN walk. He takes five or six steps sort of off-kilter like he's a turning a corner before he falls on his butt and looks up at me and laughs. Like, WHOA, that was SCARY. But fun scary. If he's in a hurry, and most times he is in a big fat hurry, he still flies around on his knees.
 
He loves to be chased so my knees are permanently bruised from chasing him around trying to get my giggle fix.
He still likes wires the best, stalking the electric cords plugging in various gadgets like a drug. He knows he's not supposed to play with them so before he reaches out to touch it, he'll look over to make sure no one is going to catch him in the act. When I say "No, no, Cameron" he points his little index finger and shakes his head back and forth. And then he giggles. And then he reaches out and touches it anyway.
 
Speaking of that index finger, he has it poised at all times. He can't wait to point at anything at all and have me tell him what it's called. Renee was the master of The Point but Cam is trying to give her a run for her money. He doesn't listen really when we tell him what things are called, he just moves on to pointing at the next thing. Check this out, you want see what I can point at next? I'm totally awesome.
 
I strongly hesitate to say the word schedule in his presence or even on a blog that he doesn't know how to read because he defies schedule. Always has, probably always will. But this month we've seen a dramatic improvement in respect to his sleeping and I'm going to OFFICIALLY leave it at that. Totally OFF-RECORD he's sleeping through the night, waking periodically to whine a bit before putting himself back to sleep. FINALLY. A whole post for another day will detail that time I did something I swore I'd never do and let my son Cry It Out. Luckily for all of us he was a quick learner and only whined for about six minutes before giving up and going back to sleep. AMEN, Cameron. AMEN.
 
He's a Daddy Magnet and whines like I'm torturing him if I do something crazy like try to hold him when his dad is in the room. He hears the door click when Ski gets home and his whole face lights up and he busts a move right over to the door and starts demanding to be picked up. The Daddy Chair didn't learn his lesson the first time so he's going through round two of carrying a kid everywhere he goes. 

 
I took him swimming this month and you would think that he died and went to heaven, smiling and splashing and carrying on. He demanded the attention of every person in his general vicinity because he was THAT cute. THE cutest. When the baby smiles, he smiles with his whole body and no normal person can not smile right along with him. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Cameron has the best smile on the planet.
 
He's growing too fast, climbing furniture, wanting desparately to keep up with his big sister. He's trying to catch up and I'm trying to slow him down. I imagine I'll always be trying to slow him down because he's my littlest, my BABY. And he always will be.

maybe posting it will feel like buying it

I have been OUT OF CONTROL shopping since we moved. House stuff because I have whole new and different house to decorate along with me getting fatter and fatter and fatter (another post for another day) because I quit nursing (I don't even have a winter coat that fits) and the colder weather rendering my kids' wardrobes inappropriate. I have to talk myself down EVERY DAY from spending more money because money doesn't really exist to me right now because we already dug ourselves a hole when we moved, what's another $50? Another $50 turns into another $100 and $100 is a $100.

I had a brainstorm today. Maybe if I post my lusts here it will stop me from buying them. Could admitting what you want really have the same impact of actually buying what you want? I'm going to try it. I'm going to start a weekly retail therapy post because reading, shopping and taking pictures are pretty much my only hobbies right now. I used to like to cook but NOT ANYMORE. I loathe dinner-time. LOATHE. 

I want these pumps. I am obsessed with cute shoes right now. I think because I subconsciously think if I have the cutest shoes in the world on maybe no one will notice the extra twenty pounds I'm carrying around my mid-section.
 
The Pioneer Woman's New Cookbook. Mostly just because I love her. And really deep down I want to get even fatter. Because I like food. And especially butter. A lot.
 
The new Tea Collection catalog came yesterday. I have a soft spot for Tea clothes. I almost died when I saw this dress for Renee. My husband would die if he saw how much it costs. I will wait in hopes of it going on sale for like 1/4 price. Or maybe if I just look at it enough times they will give it to me for free. Sort of unrelated but not, I would pay my daughter a lot of money to wear boots like that but I know she wouldn't. Probably just because I asked her to. Maybe I'll try telling her that I think they are ugly.
 
I really want to buy this bedding for our master bedroom. The master bedroom that will probably get to the top of the house decorating list in the year 2011 because really no one ever sees the master bedroom. Part of the trouble is my husband will flip out when I inevitably insist that we totally need the shams and then we'll never make our bed and the $75 worth of shams that I just HAD to have will sit on the floor for all of eternity. He'll curse at me about the shams every time he steps over them (on the floor) and I'll go on believing that we TOTALLY needed them. The Sham Battle is one of those battles that neither of us will ever win.
 
I still want a pair of nice jeans but haven't managed to get to a store where I can find the perfect pair. I ordered like five pairs online and didn't like any of them enough to spend that kind of money on them so I sent them back. And they credited my card like a thousand dollars and my husband was like "Cool, thanks for returning that stuff" and I was like "Yes, I am a frugal and awesome wife."

This is my secret. I buy a LOT of stuff and return *most* of it so he thinks he's getting a bargain.

Oh, and husband: Please pretend you didn't read this because I would never do anything like that.

What are you talking yourself out of buying? I need inspiration. For things I'm not supposed to be buying.

chilling with the nephews

One of my goals this year was to get out of town and spend some time alone with my nieces and nephews. It is so different to spend time with them when I don't have my own kids to worry about. I'm not the most relaxed traveler in the world, craving routine, structure, home.

Griffin and Sam were first on the list because they built a brand new house and I was just dying to see it (pretty sweet). As a bonus I got to spend some time alone with my big sister and after sitting and talking to her for about three minutes at a wine cafe just the two of us, I realized just how much I've missed her.  

 
 
  
I almost can't handle the cuteness.