one long year

I don't know where I'm going with this post. More or less to muse about being a mom and the complete transformation that happens when you become one. These feelings have been building since we found out about Renee and I guess this is a product of the last year of my life. She became an IT a year ago today and in that year I've undergone a dramatic transformation. I haven't talked much about it here because I'm pretty introverted and pouring myself out online really isn't my style. I had a pretty rough pregnancy in general, or at least my perception of it was rough. Maybe everyone sees their first pregnancy (or all pregnancies?) as rough. I threw up numerous times a day for the first 11 weeks, found a lump in my breast at 16 weeks that I saw numerous specialists, surgeons and ultrasound technicians about until 24 weeks at which point I had surgery to have the lump removed. With surgery came the stress of exposing my unborn baby to drugs that I was wanting to avoid and fears that I would be unable to breastfeed. I was "strongly encouraged" to do it because the doctors said it was exhibiting the same characteristics as cancer. It wasn't, thank God. At 28 weeks, I failed my 1-hour glucose screening and worried for another few weeks about gestational diabetes until I took the 3-hour glucose screening that I passed. At 30 weeks, I took my first deep breath and vowed to enjoy being pregnant. My 32 week appointment had other plans because I found out the baby was breech. My dreams of having a baby naturally (when I say "naturally" I mean "vaginally" not without epidural...let's not get crazy here folks) were replaced with thoughts of another major surgery. My doctor encouraged trying a "breech version" to try to get the baby to flip and I agreed in hopes of avoiding the c-section. The version caused my water to break that night and Ski and I ended up rushing to the hospital in the middle of the night four weeks before my due date with visions of NICU in our heads. I remember thinking during the drive that it all would have been worth it if the baby was healthy. And I thank my lucky stars every day that she is. After everything she went through, she really is my miracle. I would love to say the stress and general uneasyness ended when she was born healthy. Unfortunately it didn't. My c-section took almost three hours and there I was, strapped on that table all alone, asking repeatedly what was wrong. My tiny new baby and my husband were gone...off getting acquainted without me. They kept telling me nothing was wrong but I knew better. After the surgery, my doctor came over and said something about a septum in my uterus, how it was unlikely that I would ever carry a baby to full-term and how we would talk more about it in the morning. As I lay in recovery asking the nurse over and over when I would get to see my baby girl I wondered whether my baby was OK and whether she would ever have a brother or sister. The next few days were a blur of drugs, nursing, learning to walk again and some family drama that has caused a bunch of stress on my marriage. Then, we got home and I got smacked over the head with the Baby Blues. I cried because she was so small. I cried because I never got a chance to finish her nursery. I cried because I felt robbed of an entire month of my pregnancy. I cried because I had a c-section and never even felt (and probably never will feel) what a contraction feels like. I cried because I was convinced I would never have another baby. Then, just when I was beginning to get more confident and comfortable with being a mom, I gave her a dose of Vitamin D when she was four weeks old and she choked. She turned blue. I did the heimlich. Ski called 911. I can honestly say I thought she was going to die. I went back to square one. I cried for days at a time and wondered if I would ever be the same. And, almost four months later, I know the answer to this is no. The culmination of these events was profoundly life-changing for me. I think becoming a mom is life-changing in and of itself but I believe the trauma of the last year has caused me to hold Renee maybe a little tighter than I probably should. And, there are days when I feel guilty for that and there are days that I want to tell all of the judging souls out there to get a life. As the saying goes, "Until you walk a mile in someone else's shoes, don't judge."

I am doing the best job that I can. Renee is a happy baby. Her mom and dad love her and would do anything in the world for her. I know I'm a good mom. I love my husband with all of my heart and we spend a lot of time on the road visiting family. My little girl is going to grow up knowing and loving her cousins and her grandparents. My hope for her is that she will understand the importance of family. The sacrifice that comes along with that is that our day-to-day life is chaotic. Maybe I don't get a chance to exercise or take pictures or to go away with Ski for a weekend alone. Maybe I don't see my friends as often as I'd like. Maybe the house is pigsty and we don't eat as healthy as we used to. I know these things aren't permanent and if at the end of it all, I still have a husband that loves me, a little girl that is happy and healthy and an extended family full of love, I figure we win. The rest is just details. It took me a entire year of "why did this all have to happen to me?" and "so-and-so is a better mom than me" to come to the realization that I don't care what other people think. We are happy and healthy and that's all that matters to me.

She was worth it, wasn't she? LOVE the hat, Heather!